Never Alone
by Diane Stortz
At first Yvonne Partyka and Joanne Klinger might have thought they had only cancer in common: Yvonne had resigned her church-secretary job to deal with the aftereffects of breast cancer, and Joanne had recently relocated to be near a daughter fighting a malignant brain tumor.
But as Yvonne trained Joanne to take over her position and the two women began to get to know each other, they realized they had something else in common: both had been married to pastors who committed adultery and were abusive.
At the time they met, Yvonne had been married to her second husband for eight years and Joanne was recently divorced. Slowly, talking about their experiences with someone else who understood, the two created a strong friendship.
Today Yvonne and Joanne continue to enjoy their friendship. Both are actively involved in life and ministry and reaping the fruit of unwavering trust in God. Whenever they can, they tell their stories to show God’s faithfulness and share a message of encouragement and hope.
That’s also the message in their new book, Surviving Shattered Dreams: A Story of Hope After Despair (WinePress Publishing). The book chronicles each woman’s struggles and losses but also their joy, growth, and new life.
“Yvonne and I are very different people,” says Joanne. “We think and process differently.” Yvonne says Joanne “loves to be with people, and she’s creative.” Yvonne describes herself as “a jack-of-all-trades. I grew up on a farm where we had to do a lot for ourselves. I’m mechanical and like to tackle problems. I’m an introvert, really, but it doesn’t show because of all the years of serving as a minister’s wife.”
During the book-writing process, they sometimes had to call time out for a cup of tea, says Joanne. “We valued our friendship too much to let anything, even our book, interfere.”
Despite their different personalities, Yvonne and Joanne have singular advice for women, especially pastors’ wives, involved in marriages where there is adultery and abuse. “Don’t try to handle this on your own. Secrecy and cover-up don’t work. You’re not alone, and God is faithful.”
The problem of pastors involved in extramarital affairs, pornography, or abuse “is not uncommon,” says Yvonne. “Churches tend to look up to their pastors and don’t want to believe it when problems surface.”
That reticence creates a dilemma for pastors’ wives: who to talk to. Seminaries used to teach that pastors and their families “can’t talk to anyone—no close friends in the church,” says Yvonne. “Most ministry wives don’t have an opportunity to talk about these issues. They can be dying inside but they don’t know what to do about it.” She counsels wives in ministry to be sure to have godly friends to talk to about what is going on in their lives and how to make wise decisions.
Pastors’ wives can also look for friends outside of their own church, says Joanne. She encourages ministry couples to find an older couple in the pastorate to mentor them. “Friends must be cultivated,” she says, “but you can find them.”
Yvonne and Joanne encourage women in troubled marriages to find the help they need. “In Proverbs we’re told that the wise seek counsel,” says Joanne. “Find a pastor or a professional Christian counselor. Go with your husband if possible or go alone if necessary for help for yourself. I never advocate divorce,” she adds. “Each woman must make that decision for herself.”
“Once I knew what was going on, I didn’t lie or cover it up,” says Yvonne. “I reached out to people who knew what I’d been through.”
As part of prevention, pastors’ wives can learn to protect family time and couple time, says Yvonne, instead of believing that to do so steals ministry time. “Burnout makes a husband vulnerable,” Joanne explains, “and Satan uses that. It’s so easy to justify always serving others and not your own family.”
Pastors’ wives tend to feel overly responsible for their marriages and family life, and Yvonne and Joanne insist that women not take on unnecessary guilt. “Women don’t need to take responsibility for everything that went wrong,” says Yvonne. Each chapter title in Surviving Shattered Dreams is a question that the women have asked themselves at different times, including “Am I Abandoned?” and “Who Am I Now?”
“Where there is physical abuse,” adds Joanne, “you must get out and find a place of safety. From there you can decide what to do next to handle your situation.”
Both Yvonne and Joanne experienced a series of difficult circumstances after their divorces. Joanne’s daughter Kari died, leaving behind a husband and three children. Joanne required two painful surgeries due to arthritis. Although happily remarried, Yvonne faced the long-term illness and death of three parents, an accident at work that nearly killed her new husband, and her own breast cancer. Both women learned that their former husbands had sexually abused their children.
“Sometimes I look back and think, Did I really go through all that?” says Joanne. “When my daughter died, I felt the grief, but through a shield God put around me. Isaiah 40:31 says that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength and soar on wings like eagles. I’ve said often that without God I would either be dead or in an institution. I really thought my life was over. But we can get through those times with him.”
Today Yvonne and her husband, Bill, teach an adult Sunday school class and mentor couples and individuals on marriage and family issues including single parenting and blended families. Looking ahead to Bill’s retirement, Yvonne recently resigned as director of a local crisis pregnancy center. Joanne, now a church administrator, leads storytelling workshops, teaches middle schoolers on Sundays and a weeknight women’s Bible study, and speaks to grief groups and pastors’ wives. Both women stay connected and involved with their children and grandchildren.
Joanne and Yvonne radiate hope and confidence. “I have a wonderful life!” says Joanne. “I love everything I do.” Yvonne reflects, “I think people see Bill and me as a couple that works together, and they come to us asking the reason for our hope.”
“In every situation now,” says Joanne, “no matter how small, I hand it to him before I do anything. God is amazing! It can take trials and time to realize that we can trust him, but he can be trusted! You are not alone!”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Diane Stortz is a professional editor and book author with published articles recently in Christian Standard and Discipleship Journal. She’s the author of Parents of Missionaries.
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