DrMuriel-50 HELP! I’M A TEENAGER’S PARENT!
by Muriel Larson

Have you ever wondered whatever happened to that cooperative, tractable twelve-year-old you used to have? You know—the one who made the bed, kept the room straight, did the dishes, ate the vegetables—and mowed the lawn for two dollars? That was also the one who would only spend a minute in the bathroom when getting ready for school.

You can’t exactly pinpoint the day this charming child disappeared. Perhaps it was when he or she first began noticing the opposite sex. Yes, I think that’s when I noticed that the bed-making and room-keeping tapered off and the bathroom time increased at an exorbitant rate! Anyway, I suddenly realized that tractable child I had had was gone–and in her place was an embryo adult wanting to do her own thing.

Sure, my twelve-year-old child wasn’t perfect. She had presented problems along the way. That’s normal–all kids do. But when they are still children, they seem more manageable. Most of them will obey if taught to do so.

But teenagers are a whole other thing! These are the strangers that suddenly show up when our children hit thirteen or fourteen. Our pliable kiddies somehow take off with Peter Pan—and we’re left with these sloppy, bathroom-inhabiting, completely-gone-deaf creatures from another planet.

I mean, here we had our kids trained to do all kinds of tasks. "Ah," we sighed contentedly when the dear child was twelve, "I’ve done it! Like the Bible says, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.’"

When the dear child disappears, however, and the trying teen takes his or her place, we review that verse closely and puzzle over it. Then finally we see between the lines. "Uh, huh," we shake our heads knowingly, "when he is old he will not depart from it…Sigh!…Not much comfort now though.

All the other kids are going around talking on cell phones. A relative gives your kid a computer of some kind—and that’s the last you realize of communication with him or her until he goes to college. Then you get communication again: "Mom, can you send me fifty bucks?"

My older daughter grew up in an earlier generation than my younger daughter, and she continued being cooperative and dependable even when she became a teenager. But I suspect that the lawlessness and immorality of today’s culture have infected even children from devout Christian families.

The Apostle Paul prophesied in 2 Timothy 3:1-5: "There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving,, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power."

If our children seem to fit that description in some respects in spite of their training and Christian upbringing, I think we need to realize it is a sign of the age we are living in. It might ease a little of the feeling of failure we may suffer from at times.

I really had a rough time with my younger daughter when she was a teenager. Looking back, I wish I had been firmer, more consistent with her, especially when she first began to slack off from doing things properly and cooperating with the chores. I realize now that’s the time to nip such things in the bud, the time to insist on obedience under pain of penalty.

For instance, I wouldn’t have allowed her to leave for school until her bed was made and room straightened—even if it made her late for school! When she waited until the last night to tackle a project, I wouldn’t have helped her as I

did. The only way we learn is through experiencing the penalties for our laxness. However, Charles Dobson indicates in his excellent book, "Parenting Isn’t For Cowards," it’s not wise to overly antagonize our teenagers. We certainly need to pray for wisdom for a fine balance.

One of the worst things we can do is feel sorry for our children to the point where we spoil them. It’s wise for us to back up our prayers with continual training, discipline, and consistency—and sometimes with tough love, that love that allows children to take the consequences for their actions. In desperation I finally applied "tough love" to my daughter. After a period of suffering, she has turned out to be a wonderful person—and we have a beautiful relationship now.

First Corinthians 13 gives us the bottom line for our relationships with our children. "Love is patient, love is kind….It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs….It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails!"

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

As “Dr. Muriel,” I counsel by E-Mail readers of online magazines, Christian Women Today and Women Today.